There are still moments where Abbie Herbert fears the worst.
"We were just at the Penguins hockey game," the Pennsylvania-based TikToker detailed in an exclusive chat with E! News, "and I jumped up when they scored and I felt a sharp pain in my side." Nearly 20 weeks into her third pregnancy, continued the 26-year-old, "I immediately was like, 'Oh no. Did I just do something wrong?' And I went to the bathroom and I checked to make sure there was no blood in my underwear and to make sure that everything was okay."
This is what to expect when expecting after a pregnancy loss.
"There's always that little thing in the back of my head like, 'Oh no, did something just happen?'" admitted Abbie, due to deliver her son with husband Josh Herbert in March. "Just that worry that's still kind of in the back of my mind."
Her first pregnancy—with now-17-month-old daughter Poppy—was healthy, Abbie said, despite a little bleeding early on which was admittedly "terrifying." And, yet, after seeing that second positive pregnancy test in early May, there was a sinking feeling the model couldn't shake.
"As a woman you know your body, you just know," she explained, "And I kept telling Josh, 'If this is a real pregnancy,' 'If this is real,' 'If this is happening.'" Her fears were confirmed when she woke up on Mother's Day—just six days before Poppy's first birthday—to bleeding. Even before they made it to the emergency room, recalled Abbie, "I just knew."
She sat with the sadness for a bit, thinking about how she was navigating the same path as her sisters-in-law, mother-in-law, grandmother and millions of others, with one in four pregnancies ending with loss. "And then I was like, you know what? I'm going to post about it and tell my story," she explained, "because I did make a lot of videos of wanting another baby and I was like, 'This is the real side of trying for baby and fertility.'"
That real, unfiltered version looks like the cautious optimism she felt upon learning she was pregnant for the third time in June ("It was just different this time. I kept saying, 'I am pregnant,'" Abbie shared), but still checking for blood during every bathroom trip.
It also looks like connecting with an entire community who have endured the same pain, Abbie chatting with fellow influencers who chose to share their experience and the followers who flooded the comment section of her videos with their own stories.
"It was good to bond over that," she said. "It just makes me feel like I'm not alone in this."
And it motivated her to use her platform (more than 14 million followers on TikTok, another 1.8 million on Instagram) to be a part of the conversation. While in just the past few years, people have grown more comfortable speaking about pregnancy loss, "I just feel like there are so many things with pregnancy that people don't talk about," she said ticking off issues such as fertility and hormonal disorders like polycystic ovary syndrome, something she was recently diagnosed with.
"I have multiple friends that had to do IVF or it took them a year to get pregnant," Abbie noted. "And I just feel like there are so many things that just aren't talked about with fertility and pregnancy, especially miscarriages. Because it's so common. After sharing my story, I'm like, 'Wow, so many women have had at least one of them.'"
She sees the ability to move that particular needle "in hopes that people can see that it's not this taboo thing" as the silver lining of a horrific experience. That, and the baby boy she and Josh will welcome next spring.
"Josh's mom had two miscarriages before him and we're like, if those hadn't happened, he wouldn't be here," she explained of their ability to take an everything-happens-for-a-reason stance. "So we look at it like, if that didn't happen, maybe our son wouldn't be here. We know it's meant to be."
As they shared on their Who Wears The Pants podcast, the newest addition to their YouTube channel, they've already picked out a "J" name and are actively collecting advice on how to navigate the whole two under 2 situation.
"I'm just going with it," she joked, adding she's started paying close attention to other social media personalities with multiple young kids and leaning heavily on her recently retired nurse mom. While Poppy (or Poot, as she calls her on TikTok) "loves her cousins, loves other children and loves babies," she anticipates a bit of jealousy ahead.
The moment after she and Josh revealed she was expecting a boy by opening a wardrobe stocked with blue garb, Poppy keyed in on a stuffed bear. "She saw it, she locked eyes with it, took it out of the wardrobe and it is now hers," said Abbie. "So I'm going to make an announcement to everyone: 'If you get our little son a gift, please do not get a stuffed animal because it will turn into Poppy's.'"
While breaking up fights over stuffies might be her future, Abbie is very much enjoying the present, even though a "very active" Poppy means this pregnancy is a bit less chill than the first.
With her sister a full six years older, Abbie is especially excited to have to kids so close in age. Though Poppy is a bit young to understand just how much her world is going to change, "any time she sees the ultrasound, she says, 'Baby!' and gives it a kiss and holds it," Abbie shared. "So I'm hoping it's the same case when he gets here."
She's also hopeful that she can fully enjoy the sleepless-night-and-round-the-clock-feedings stage now that she knows just how fleeting those weeks can feel. As Poppy starts to talk, forming full sentences and finding reasons to use the word "no," Abbie remembers how often she wished for these milestones. "And now I'm like, 'I want my little baby back!'"
Noting she'll soon have the best of both worlds—Poppy with her endearing sass and energy and her cuddly little brother—Abbie said, "I'll have my little human, but then also have my little baby at the same time. But we definitely won't take it for granted and wish those little newborn stages and time away."