Somebody get Pippa Middleton a drink.
James Matthews' best man, Justin Johannsen, made 10-minute wedding toast that was peppered with lewd jokes during the newlyweds' reception at Bucklebury Manor Saturday.
Justin, a longtime friend of the groom, delivered his bawdy speech just after 11:30 p.m. and began by recognizing those involved in the stunning ceremony. "Thank you to you all from being here today, some having traveled as both families have roots in Yorkshire," Justin said. "So, I will say this: 'Hear all, eat all, drink all and let your hair down.' Thank you to all the flower girls and page boys, who have helped make today so special. They have had a very long day."
Excerpts from Justin's speech have been circulating in the British media.
He soon moved on to "the love of James' life," whom he deemed "beautiful," "energetic," "loyal" and "soft-mouthed," adding that she "comes on command" and has a "great behind."
"But that's enough about James' spaniel," he said. "I'm here to talk about James' love, Pippa."
Justin also teased Pippa's pre-wedding preparations. "First, some messages from those who couldn't be here today: 'Wish Pippa the best with the hair. We have really enjoyed seeing you and how you have mastered interpretive dance. Don't forget to buttock clench on the star jumps,'" he laughed. "That's from Steve and the gang at the Crazy Feet dance studio in Soho."
Calling the responsibility of being James' best man "a great honor," Justin said the groom "has made it a remarkably easy job since he's been here. He has been totally calm throughout. Other than having to having to carry all of his baggage, the hard part was to keep the rings safe."
"James doesn't know this but I have a habit of losing things," he said. "Not often, but they are usually quite expensive. I resolved to keep them on my person the entire time that they were in my custody. We both got up for a run early this morning and James jokingly asked if the rings were on my person. I had them in a shower cap tucked in my shorts. He said, 'Really? In a shower cap? I don't want that in my head when I am putting the ring on Pippa's finger in the church.' I'm sure it wasn't on your mind in the church, but it's on your mind now. Sorry, Pippa.'"
At one point, James' brother became the butt of Justin's jokes. "With the wedding shadowed in secrecy, I can reveal, and wish the bride and groom a happy honeymoon in North Wales. At least that's where I presume they are going as I heard Spencer [Matthews] saying that after the wedding, he was going to Bangor for two weeks," Justin laughed. "Enjoy the Welsh coast, guys."
On a more serious note, Justin recalled how the couple first met in Scotland in 2009, and ever since then, they have developed "a deep and instinctive love for each other." Addressing Pippa directly, he said, "I think I can say for everyone, that you look stunning. The image of perfection. I know that James first fell in love with your gutsiness and your spirit and then succumbed to your beauty. You make James extremely happy. You have a voir la joie that warms the hearts of everyone who knows you, and you have won the heart of the best man that I know."